Press release by Tom Green

New Press release from Alaska Airlines Seattle, WA

Cash-strapped Alaska Airlines announced a new series of fees this week that will apply to all customers not currently flying, scheduled to fly, or even thinking about flying aboard the commercial carrier. Alaska Airlines has promised never to raise its fees for not printing a boarding pass. The fees, the latest introduced by Alaska Airlines in a continuing effort to combat its financial woes, will take effect on Monday.

According to company officials, these charges will include a $25 tax on citizens traveling with any other airline, as well as a mandatory $30 surcharge for passengers who decide to just stay home for the holidays. "Tough times unfortunately mean tough measures," Alaska Airlines president Bill Ayer said. "It's never an easy decision to ask our loyal customers, as well as thousands of people chosen at random out of a telephone book, to pay a little extra, but that's just the reality of today's economic climate. We hope all Americans will understand this when receiving one of our new bills in the mail."

Ayer said that non-passengers of Alaska Airlines should expect to pay a small fee when making Greyhound bus reservations, choosing to drive to their final destination, or simply being a citizen of the United States with a valid Social Security number. Ayer went on to note that some additional charges would also apply, including a $15 fee for every piece of luggage customers have inside their bedroom closet, and a one-time payment of $40 for any American whose name is Greg, except for any Greg whose last name is Saretsky.

"We are confident that these new measures will not discourage customers from flying with Alaska Airlines," vice president Richard Cranium said. "However, we'd like to remind our customers that there is a 'discouraged-from-flying-with-Alaska-Airlines' charge if they do in fact choose not to fly with us."

Alaska Airlines, which posted a $1.45 trillion loss in the third quarter of 2008 alone (after special write-offs and expenses), claimed that the new fees—including the Taking A Shower Fee, the Knowing What An Airplane Looks Like Fee, and the Drinking Coffee From A Cup Fee—will help the company rebound. According to internal projections, the airline will recoup $500 million in the next three months alone, with nearly 80 percent of that revenue coming from citizens asleep at home."

Watching television last night cost me $250," said Ballard resident Michael Peterson, one of many citizens now forced to pay high airline costs for folding their laundry and going to the proctologist. "It's ridiculous, but what can you do? I guess that's just the price of not flying these days."

"Alaska Airlines charged me for cleaning out my attic," said 74 year-old Samantha Pratt, a Sitka resident who has not left the state since 2005. "Sure, I didn't have to wait in any long lines, or go through invasive security searches, and I got to clean out my attic, which is something I've been wanting to do for weeks, but come on now."

In response to Alaska's move, other airlines have begun offering more competitive rates. United this week unveiled a new $99 "spend the weekend quietly reading indoors" offer, while Southwest is introducing a $125 round-trip fare for those walking to their corner store for some groceries. Despite reduced offers such as these, many remain concerned over the new fees.

Some have even expressed doubt about whether they'll be able to afford to see family members they currently live with during Christmas. "It's just not worth it anymore," said Caroline Huza, an Anchorage native and mother of two. "Plus, every time I stay at home, I always get trapped next to some kid who won't stop crying."